"What Are You Waiting For?" - Matters Of Choice & More Westhampton Beach

Every time I get myself halfway convinced that it's time to put away the camera for good, a moment like this one happens - a moment so sweet and endearing, so moving and revealing, that I am grateful for having seen it and glad to be able to share it with others.

And then there are those other kind of moments, perhaps somewhat less sweet and endearing, but even more revealing. And always moving.

The counterargument then reasserts itself with a reminder of Truth's tenuous welcome and scant reward in this particular Here and Now. The logical decision then seems clear enough. But the camera's demise is stopped and stayed by one fundamental, inescapable, irresistible, necessarily embraceable element of that Truth: Beauty.

And so the choice is made, again.

The concept of Choice has been coming up again and again recently, like orchestral variations on the same theme: How we find the courage needed to make our own choices, how we find the even-more-courage needed to accept the choices of others, how we find the most-courage-of-all needed for the choices we must make in response to those choices of others, especially those we care about the most.

The recent whatever-you-want-to-call-it that took place on the OKP is a good example of the troubles that can come from a persistent refusal on the part of some to accept someone else's choice - in this case, the "someone else" being the Great Big Sea band members and the pertinent choice being GBS's decision to hire Official Community to manage the band's website - and the abiding reluctance of those same folks to choose their own effective and sensible response to that decision. Admittedly, this is not the best example I can come up with of how difficult many such matters of Choice can at times be, but it is the easiest example - easiest because, quite literally, my heart is not in it - and I am hoping that writing about this first will strengthen shaky courage and help me to follow through with the nearer and dearer example.

As best as I can tell from secondhand accounts, the latest OKProblem followed a well-worn course. A few fans started a thread that a few other fans found inapproopriate and/or distasteful. Their stated disapproval in turn provoked its own measure of censure, and the ensuing debate quickly turned into one about what should or should not be permitted on the official site, as well as about what was or was not in GBS's best interests. Not long after it began, the entire thread rather predictably disappeared, courtesy of site moderators/admins. Same as it ever was. Apologies if this brief summary does an injustice to any expressed concerns or stated opinions, but I tend to suspect it's a fairly accurate summary nonetheless. As such, it is certainly consistent with all that's gone before, many times before.

I've gotten a handful of messages from people perturbed by this latest episode, comments along the lines of "It's a violation of our rights to free speech," "It's bad for the band because it disgusts people and drives them away," "It's not like who the guys are in real life and if they knew this shit was going on they'd put a stop to it because they care about their fans!" And so on. Despite my genuine sympathy - empathy, actually, since at some point in time I think I've said (and sincerely meant) all these same things - I'm sorry, but I am going to have to thoroughly disagree.

The website belongs to the band, and there is no presumption of rights by anyone other than those owners. If the owners permit full freedom of speech on their site, that is their choice, not anyone's right. And if the owners decide speech will be limited on their site, then that too is their choice. You can dislike the choice, disagree with it, be absolutely sure that it sucks (not in the good way) and is doing dire and lasting damage to the choosers...but it is still their choice. Who owns the band?  The band does.

The argument that the band members might put a stop to how the management company goes about running their official site, "if only they knew" was once a perfectly valid argument - immediately after that management company took over the site. But it has now been more than four years since GBS handed their site over to OCC to manage; if the band members did not know by now the specifics of how their site is being run, then that could only be because they did not choose to know, which is merely an indirect way of approving of those specifics. Four years with the same management company is as clear enough of an expression of approval as is needed to make the point.

The official site is what they (and every time I say "they" in regard to GBS, the reference is to the collective entity and the decisions made by that entity) have chosen for it to be, perhaps the best option they felt they was available for them to choose, both for their own benefit and for the welfare of the largest possible number of their fans. And if that benefit and welfare should happen to come at the expense of a few others....well, since when has so-called Real Life ever worked in any other way?

With the exception of the newest fans - who are the recipients of the lion's share of my own sympathy - it's hard not to believe that most everyone already knows by now that the official site is being managed in a way that meets with the band members' approval, regardless of whether that approval is direct or tacit. Approval, nontheless. The site is what the band has chosen it will be. Which means that the anger and the hurt and the continuing stubborn efforts to fight against how it is occur because of a refusal to accept the choice made by only people entitled to make it.

I know a good number of other people who also dislike and/or disapprove of how the GBS site is managed, people who at the same time acknowledge that this management meets with the approval of the band members and accept that it reflects the choices of the band members. Some of those people choose not to participate at all on the site anymore, some choose to avoid only the OKP, some choose to find enough remaining good to justify continuing to take a full and active part. Whatever course of action winds up being taken, what matters is that they have accepted the band members' right to choose what they think best for their own site and have also accepted the actual choice made, regardless of their own opinion of that choice and regardless of how that choice might impact their own actions. And then they have made their own choices in response.

It is long past time for those who linger in the combat zone, those who try to deny the undeniable, to follow that  lead. Refusing to do so - refusing to accept a choice made by someone who's got every right to make it and refusing to make your own choices in response - really has next to nothing to do with debating any issues or arguing for any principles...it's much more about not letting go of the anger you feel because you simply do not like the choice that was made. To quote an excellent Songwriter, Let It Go. That too, is a choice, quite often the wisest choice of all.

Letting go of anger leads straight to the next variation on the Choice Theme, still not the near and dear one, but a few steps closer. Tentative steps. I'm not sure how wise it is to write about this one, given how everyone says you're supposed to react when harassed online, but it is interesting and important and pertinent, so what the frig. Maybe if I can get this one written, the one that matters will be in reach.

As I said before, for the past few weeks I've been the recipient of an onslaught of messages - first in blog comments, and then when I disabled the comment function here the messages began coming to my email - from a person whose intentions have gradually become a bit more clear to me. Initially, I thought it was all about trying to cause pain simply for cruelty's sake; all of the messages relayed in specific and explicit detail things Alan has purportedly done and comments he has allegedly made, each recounting clearly intended to be hurtful and damaging. Which they were, at least partly because I was so stunned as to assume I was the primary source of and target for such unrelenting animosity. After all this tine around GBSLand, I have no excuse at all for making such a foolish assumption - it's not as if I don't know full well by now that not very many here do much of anything that is not primarily about themselves.

The more messages that have come, the clearer it's becoming that the sender's real hostility is likely aimed more toward Alan, as best I can tell because of some choice he made that has not set at all well with the Angry Person, some choice that has infuriated and/or disappointed her. (Yes, I'm assuming gender, I know, but the odds are sure on my side.)  My own chief transgression appears to be the commission of the Sin Of Continuing Affection; if I am reading correctly between the lines, Angry Person is mightily pissed at me largely because I most decidedly do not share her negative opinion of him. Thus the determined effort to persuade me of the rightness of that opinion, I suppose. Cracked? Well, yes. No arguments there. But this particular manifestation of crackedness seems to be the result of outright refusal to accept some sort of choice Alan made and an even more stubborn refusal to make any kind of healthy or effective responding choice to what he chose.

What's fascinated me about this Angry Person, what has always fascinated me about such people, is the ability to hold fast to anger over extended periods of time. I know it's not an ability I should be envying, but I have to confess that sometimes I do, even against all reason and sense. I can't ever seem to stay angry for more than a short time, regardless of how pissed I might have initially been. And no matter how hard I might try to hold onto the anger for as long as I can - for the simple reason that it's safer,  way the hell less vulnerable than the hurt that's invariably lurking right below it, waiting for anger's protective coating to dissipate - it always slips away. And then hurt takes it own sweet time at centre stage, lingering in the spotlight. Not that I'm wishing that kind of hurt on anyone, not even on Angry Person, but I will admit to a hope that this particular AP finds her own way to letting go of all that anger soon.

I think I'm ready to write about that final variation on Choice's Theme.

Recently someone rather near and dear to me chose to buddy up with a few people who've been trashing me for several years - seriously hateful stuff, way more than garden-variety bitchdom. Near & Dear thinks it's all harmless association and that there's no problem with any of it; I tend to think otherwise, which apparently makes me judgemental. Matters of pure pragmatics followed hard on the heels of the first wounded (and admittedly foolish) overreaction of total betrayal:  Wouldn't N&D's choice of buddy-time with someone who's been going on for ages about how horrible I am and how I need to be gotten rid of likely (and quite understandably) be seen by that same someone as N&D's agreement with and validation of such negative opinions? And how the hell were situations when everyone was present at the same place at the same time supposed to be handled? Again, N&D isn't particularly concerned with specifics.

I believe in choice, believe in it with passion and conviction. I believe in it for myself and I believe in it for the people I care about. It didn't take too terribly long to get to the point of acknowledging N&D's right to companionship of choice, though there was a brief (and, again, rather foolish) period when every time I looked at N&D, the only thought my mind seemed capable of was one painfully indignant and pitifully inarticulate two-word phrase of summation:  You chose.  Along with wondering that if it's true that the enemy of my enemy is my friend, then does that mean the friend of my enemy has to be my enemy too? That miserable reaction didn't last very long though, thank God. Maybe I don't envy those who relentlessly hold onto their anger. Anger really does suck, totally not in the good way.

Admittedly, it did take somewhat longer to accept the actual choice made. When I finally did, that was when the last of the anger completely dissipated. The plot for the rest of the show was all about choosing what to do in response to N&D's choice. I thought about packing it in, considered giving up and making a discreet (as well as a discrete) exit away from this person. But everything that I love about N&D does not cease to exist as the result of this one choice; everything that I love about N&D would not cease to exist as the result of a thousand similar choices. Like it or not, agree with it or not, this choice is - those choices would be - a part of who this person I say I care about truly and honestly is. If you're going to say you care about someone for who and what they truly are, then you're going to need to put your money - and, more ot the point, your heart - where your mouth is.

Then it occurred to me that if what N&D really wants is to buddy up with these people - if they truly are the companionship of choice, regardless of the surrounding circumstances, the "context," as it were - that might very well mean that I've got nothing of any real value to offer, nothing that's genuinely wanted or needed or desired. That seemed like the best reason of all to take my leave, and, to be honest, it's still a continuing self-doubt...but it is also at the same time an inarguable fact that deciding what N&D wants or needs or desires - or values - isn't up to me. That's not my choice to make. It's an attempt to evade the choice that really is my own to make. And from that point on, there's really nowhere left to run and hide, no excuses left to justify waiting any longer.

And so the choice is made, again.

Time to put away the personal stuff and go back to Westhampton Beach.

Time is ours to steal.

Appropriately to the rest of this blog entry, and perhaps to that evening as well, a soulful Let It Go.

Just two stage-edge photos from the first-set-closer Run, Runaway, the first showing a fierce Alan challenging the crowd to put as much into the song as those on stage were, the second a gratified smile when the crowd gave him exactly what he'd just demanded.

I'd originally intended to include the full series of photos from Tunes, the second-set opener at this show, in this entry (partly because those photos are of everyone in the band instead just Alan), but I think there are so many photos in that series that it could make this entry very slow to open for some folks if added to all the photos already here. Probably better to wait till next time for Tunes and add on photos from a few of the songs that came after.

I've got a few good videos from local performances I might put up as well, a couple of Military Road, Kalem Mahoney's latest band - two of his Monday Nights bandmates just began a national tour in their alternate identities as Novaks, thus a need for a brand new (and really quite good) band - playing Erin's on what was a hilarious Halloween night, and a few more from the latest Bluebird North Songwriters' Circle, - one of Colleen Power performing her Townie Man, a nice tune done my Mr. and Mrs, Sherry Ryan, and a few more from Ian Foster, who's one of the better songwriters practicing his craft in St. John's of late. Over the past six months or so, I've been assured by at least a dozen locals that I would think highly of his tunes once I heard them, and it's taken me this long to do just that. Those assurances were right on the money - very impressive songwriting, especially the story-songs. Next up is trying to catch a full live show - maybe here, maybe elsewhere.

I just took a deep breath and forced myself to read back through all of this and am now fighting the urge to delete most of the personal stuff and stick with the Usual Topics. But I think I'm going to find the resolve to leave it as it is, the courage to choose honesty. Life is just too inevitably short and too potentially sweet to waste time choosing otherwise. Or, to put it another way...This road ain't long enough to miss a single turn.

Comments

[Ellen]

Psssstt Lynda, did you mean to leave comments open? If you did I'm really glad {{{{{hug}}}} I <3 what you say here and the pictures take my breath away. Happy almost birthday too! :D

I'n sorry you get stuck dealing with crazy mean people. It shouldnt be how it is but it always is that way no matter what, isn't it? It doesn't look like it's ever going to change. It's a good thing the good parts don't change too. :)

[Barb in Minn.]

Hi Lynda -
I've mentioned this book before, but thought others who are scratching their heads and thinking WTF? about the OKP might find this interesting reading --
"Will the Vampire People Please Leave the Lobby? (True Adventures in Cult Fandom)" by Allyson Beatrice is about discussion boards that were for Buffy the Vampire Slayer fans, but there are many familiar scenarios described -- both the good and the crazy.

[Kath]

You had commments open yesterday and still today so it's a go now? If it isn't just ocnsider this another email. My last email to you bounced back cause your box was full. :)

I fall into the group of fans who don't participate on the GBs site any more. I read the guy's blogs regularly and I'll go to the OKP to read about a show I went to or about Robin Hood or other side stuff (but I get that news better here anyway) and the fan who posts the newspaper articles too. That's it, I haven't posted there in years. It's like going back to where you used to live and you remember how it was when you and all the people you knew were there but it's not a place you want to live in now. It bugged me for a long time but now it's nothing that bothers me because what I miss is gone for good and the people who use it now are happy with it. The blogs are great and the best seats tickets are pretty cool too so the trade off isn't bad. Though the merch is pretty sorry.

The distrubed fans didn't go away when the OKP became unfriendly to them they went other places, and your latest troll is one of em. I think you should ignore her and eventually she'll get bored or run out of venom for now or work out whatever shit's going on in RL so she doesn't need to take it out on you online or being pissed at Alan. I did know a GBS fan who used to rag on you because she had a steaming grudge against Alan and she got pissed at you for always liking him but she's long gone now and good for that. Sheesh what a bitch! I don't know how you keep on with it and don't get sick of it. I'd have gotten sick of it a long time ago. Nobody should have to deal with this crap especially when all they've done is like somebody. It's not right.

This is MYOB territory but I don't think I'd cut a friend as much slack as you. If she wants to hang with friend A who acts like a bitch to friend B and that makes A think she agrees about hating B, that's not right too. She's got a lot to learn about being a friend. I wouldn't put up with it no matter how close a friend she was because she's not being a close friend in return. I'm just sayin.

I love your pictures. I know it's work and hassle and you get shit for doing it and if you want to stop I understand all the way. But you get pictures nobody else gets with expressions that I don't see anywhere else not even when I'm at the same show. I'm not pressuring you to keep on doing it that's your decision., all I want is let you know how much I like it.

Cheers,

Kath

[michael]

Hug

Michael

[Lynda]

I didn't realise I hadn't closed comments on this one - the only way I know how to do it is to manually close comments each time I post a new entry, and I forgot to do that last time. Maybe I'll just leave it this way and see how it goes.

Hug right back at you, Mike. Thanks to you and to a couple of other folks for the heads-up in email about the comments status. Thanks for the great Chris Trapper video birthday tune too.

Kath, I'm sorry your email bounced. My email does regularly get full when I let it go and don't clean it out every day or two. Another reason to leave this option open for messages, I suppose.

I agree that the personal blogs are the best part of the GBS site as it is today. They've done a really good job with the Best Seats ticket presales too. Yes, there's not much merch to be gotten on the official site, but I think that's a really smart move by GBS: If you want the cool merch, come to the shows to buy it. Canny fellows, always.

I think there's quite a bit to be found on the OKP that's genuinely good. I've sure benefitted from all kinds of helpful travel suggestions made by people who live in the cities I'm going to - transit options, hotel discounts, great local restaurants. I've also really appreciated the fan ("General Taylor") who posts so many GBS interviews and articles. All such generous sharings are appreciated.

I've always been impressed by the dialogue that takes place in the thread about disabled children too. And there's also such perennial smile-inducers as the seasonal gift-exchange threads, along with the periodic "Hello - GBS is great!!!" innocent exuberance of various brandly new fans.

No matter how much there might also be that's not so great, in most places there's almost always decent, nice people doing and saying all the good things that decent, nice people do and say. It's there too, in ample supply. I'm glad they've decided to keep the OKP going, even more glad that there are people who find it to be a welcoming and satisfying place to spend time in. Come to think of it, I do feel pretty much the same way when I go back to neighbourhoods I used to live in. That was a very good analogy, Kath.

I think my view of the whole "disturbed fan/troll" issue might be a little different from how some others view it because of one simple fact: I've met/known so many of the people who do this kind of thing (sometimes finding out after knowing a person in the flesh that they've been pulling this shit, and sometimes meeting them face-to-face after the trolling has been done) that I can't think of any of them only as faceless, unreal cybercrazies.

The people I've met who have done this kind of shit have all been real - fucked up and miserable and sometimes scary, but still real. They have husbands, parents, siblings, dogs, jobs, churches, hopes, regrets...they're real. It's hard to just dismiss anyone out of hand like they don't really exist, our count, or matter. It's hard not to feel pity. None of which means I want to be within 100 feet of them.

I think I know who you're referring to. If it's the same person, she did a fair share of that ragging face to face too. She was the one who accused me of "sexuallizing" Alan. To which I replied, "Sorry, dear...God is the one who did that." I don't think she ever forgave him for being anatomically correct.

At what point did I give the impression that I hadn't ever gotten sick of this? Beyond sick of it by now. "Sick of it" implies a belief that there is (or at least that there should be) an end to whatever "it" is. "Beyond sick of it" is more about coming to a realisation that "it" will always be there and if you intend to be there too, then you have to find a way to live with it. In the grand scheme of what people should not have to deal with - even more so in the grand scheme of all that is not right - this shit ranks pretty low on the "It Shouldn't Be That Way" meter.

No, I brought up the personal stuff, so I've got no reason (and no desire) to go saying it's not someone's business if they respond to what I brought up. You bring up good points, but I've got a question to ask back: What kind of a friend is a person being when they're telling another person what a shitty job that person is doing as a friend? I think I'd rather expend my energy in being that friend to the other person, rather than in being all wrapped up in what the other person is or is not being to me.

Thank you for what you said about the photography, Kath - it means a lot.

Barb, you and a few others have recommended that book. I am going to have to get ahold of it and read it one of these days.

Ellen, I am glad you enjoyed those photos, and thanks for the hugs. Thanks too for the almost-birthday wishes. I'm really looking forward to tomorrow because I'm getting to go to my favourite Chinese restaurant (China House) for a birthday supper. Actually, looking forward to the pre-birthday supper tonight at Sun Sushi too.

You said that beautifully about how great it is that the good parts don't change too. That is exactly the best way to look at it. When all that you love is there just as it's been there from the start, that's what really matters.

It's getting close to sushi time (even better, to tempura time) so I'm off for now. I'll leave comments open for now and see how it goes.

Quick last note to Sara, about your email: Absolutely not your fault. Don't even consider the possibility. And you can use my photos anywhere and anytime you choose.

[Sara]

Lynda,

Thanks.

Enjoy your birthday dinner(s).

[Anne]

My comment doesn't entirely relate to this post but it's something I've thought about for a long time. Although I didn't do more than read the message board in the OKP, I gave up on it many years ago, primarily due to how horrible too many people were to you. A few others but you in particular. I don't know you, we've never met, I know we've been at some of the same concerts but the blatant cruelty to someone who, in my opinion, didn't deserve one iota of it was disgusting and not something I had any interest in being part of. You'd laugh if you knew how righteously indignant I can get on behalf of others! LOL The only reason I go to the site now is to see if Alan, Bob or Séan have posted anything and to check the tour schedule but that's it. I've said it before, I'll say it again: thank you for all you're willing to share with us. How you've put up with the crap as long as you have is beyond me but so long as that willingness continues, so will I read. :)

[Lynda]

Anne, thank you. Those two words aren't really adequate, but they're all I have to offer in gratitude.

Your timing is impeccable...I just got back from a long, slightly woozy evening at the Duke (post pre-birthday supper at the sushi restaurant), during which there was an earnest conversation about trying to do the Right Thing, whatever the hell that might be. Lots of wind has been taken out of these sails recently, not so much as to alter the course, but enough to make the destination seem forever and a day away.

Then we came back and I read what you wrote, and it helped, especially when it comes to that word "judgemental" that's still echoing in my ears. That really got to me.

To be fair to GBS and gbs.com and OCC, the changes they've made on the official site are in a large part efforts to put an end to just the kind of blatant cruelty that you, and many others, found so off-putting. Even though the methods employed might at sometimes be questionable, that goal has been a good one, and a reasonably successful one on the site. The underlying moral ground is surely one for debate: Is being selectively cruel to a few justified if a larger and continuing cruelty is brought to an end? Does the end justify the means? Sometimes...most likely the answer is "yes". Whether this is one of those times - there's the question. A question I do not have an answer to.

I don't think I'd say what I am going to say next if not for the several pints at the Duke and a certain amount of saucy "It's my birthday, I can say whatever the frig I want to now,", and I very well might come back here tomorrow morning and delete, delete, delete. But for now, my answer to the reason for putting up with the crap for so long is a simple one: Because of Alan.

If it were not for him, there is no way I would ever, no way I would have ever, been either willing or able to deal with much of what I've encountered the past eight years. I'd have given up long ago. I would not have given up on Newfoundland or the genuinely wonderful people I have met during this time, but as for the rest of it, if he were not a part of the rest of it...No, Nay, Never.

There would be people I'd still care about, but it would just be too much pain for too little purpose. But he is part of the rest of it, and sharing that is part of the rest of it too. That's where the willingness comes from, where it's always going to come from.

Anne, I really like people who get righteously indignant on behalf of others. Best people in the world, as far as I'm concerned. The kind of people who make me feel grateful that they find something worth reading here. Again, thank you. I really hope I get to meet you at a show someday.

Sara, the first birthday supper was lovely - tempura and sashimi, followed by chocolate-peanut-butter jack o'lanterns and pints. Delightful. Chinese tomorrow for the actual birthday supper, followed by the same dessert at the same place as tonight.

I found where you posted that photo that "started it all". It's one of the sweetest photos of one of the most touching moments I've ever seen at a GBS show. The fact that it led indirectly to so much foolishness and bickering has absolutely nothing to do with the photo itself, nor is it any fault of yours. At the end of the day, if people want to be foolish or angry or cruel, they'll always find something to lead them in the direction they already wanted to go, no matter how innocent that something might be.

Conversely, if people want to be kind and generous and caring, they'll find their way to that place too, no matter how shitty their circumstances might be. Our choice, always.

[Jennifer]

Hi Lynda. I'm glad you keep sharing too. Have a really happy birthday and a great dinner too. :)

Jenn

[Laura]

It's afternoon here and later where you are and what you said is still there so I guess your leavin it. Good on ya. If it's the truth why not be up front about it? Hey, AD's the one who says todream out loud. No whisperin aloud. ;P

You already know what I think of the OKP, you see more good in it than I do. I don't buy the ends justify the means. I keep telling my kids they don't so I should live up to it myself. yahthink? Maybe real big ends do but not stupid message board ends not even rock band profits ends. Maybe its okay when everyone doesn't give a shit about each other equally and is in it only for themselves but its not how you treat someone who gives a shit. Nope not buyin it. But I never got beaten to a pulp on the OKP or lied about by scaggy kookoobirds while everyone who knew best it was all lies stood by silent with their fingers up their asses and blew off the truth. It didn't happen to me and its not my complaint and I should shaddup now right? Zee lip ees zipped....._after_ sayin my piece. Gonna edit me again? *snerks*

Happy b'day to you and tell the troll to go fuck herself cause the real problem is nobody else is doing it. :D Are you ever gonna post the photoshop pic of Alan as a vibrator? Mebbe I'll go over to the OKP and post it meself. LOLLLLL!

Have some fun today GF!

L.

[Stephen]

Happy birthday, kiddo. As long as you keep finding your way to a place your heart's comfortable in, I'll keep saying 'Well done.' I don't always necessarily agree with what you choose but I admire how thoroughly you choose it.

I hope it's been a good day for you, with cake.

Stephen

[michael]

depending the pissyness (okay it's either spelled wrong or I created a new word, deal) of some people I'd leave the most recent reply up as is, no edit. It is truth and the words come from the heart...

Again happy birthday, good journey, hugs

Michael

[Lynda]

You came close, Mike - "pissiness". Not to be pissy about spelling.

I did leave it as I first wrote it. I kept myself away from the blog all day yesterday so I wouldn't self-edit. You're right...it is true, and it is from the heart. It stays.

Thanks to all for the birthday wishes - it really did wind up being a good birthday, a little bit surprising how good it was. The sole and single advantage of pain is how after it's gone on for awhile, it feels so wonderful when you wake up one morning to find it very nearly all gone, so the siimple absence of pain becomes in and of itself good cause for giddy celebration. Even more cause to celebrate once again being able to focus on and take pleasure in all the good things in life that the frigging pain kept getting in the way of.

More detail about that later; I'm thinking maybe I'll put it into the next entry because it goes with the rest of what I'm thinking about. For now, suffice to say it was a good birthday, same for the day after.

No cake yet, Stephen (I'll get that when I get back home, though I may be the one who bakes it) but a great meal of Chinese food, followed by Reese's peanut butter cups and pints of the best Guinness in St. John's and watching the Habs win (foolish shootout, but still a win), all done in the excellent company of a very dear friend. It was a good day.

Hey, if you're going to choose...choose with all of your heart. I don't know any other way to go about choosing. Thanks for the kind words.

Laura, you're another one of those people who get really indignant on the behalf of others. It's very good-hearted of you, a fundamental unselfishness that is sadly all too rare. And you always make me laugh with how you say whatever it is you're saying. Where the frig does the expression "fingers up their asses" come from, anyway? What an image. Not to mention the kookoobirds.

I'm not going to edit you, Laura, not this time; I decided I was going to have my full say on my birthday and the least I can do is give you the same freedom. Call it a Guy Fawkes Indulgence - verbal bonfires allowed this one day of the year.

I will say this in response, however: I think nearly all of us play the ends & means game at some times in our lives, and most of the time when we do, we genuinely believe in that notion of justification. At least I hope so. But even when we think our ends are well worth those means, chances are someone else might not agree with our priorities. And we likely might not agree with theirs.

At the end of the day, all we can do is try as best we can to be honest about and find some peace of mind with our own choices, with the means we choose to achieve the ends we desire. When it comes to the choices (both the means and the ends) of others, all we can do is face them honestly and accept them for what they are, regardless of whether or not we agree with them. And then we choose what we will do in response. "Stay and care" works well enough for me most often because it's what the heart truly wants, though there are always other choices that can be made by those who decide differently.

I sent you a copy of that vibrator photo? I'd forgotten all about that. Isn't it a great photo? I don't think I've ever put it online. I got it from one of the ladies in the Russell Crowe fan group after I'd written about the self-absorbed and essentially masturbatory nature of so much of the fan/celebrity attention/pursuit endeavour. I laughed so hard I almost hurt myself when I opened up that photo she sent to me.

What you said about "nobody else doing it" might be more pertinent that you realise. There was once an intriguing fellow I met in dark and dingy hallway of a dive hotel in Montreal's red-light district, the two of us bumping into each other at the ice machine on a stuffy, breathless night - him post-coital and me post-writing-deadline. That fellow said something to me that I've never forgotten, something that applies to what you just said about my persistent online harasser. I think I'm going to write about that next time too. It really does deserve its own entry. Thanks for the reminder, and for the good wishes too.

Same thanks to you, Jenn. Sharing is a very good thing, and so are happy birthdays too.